Therefore, I am!

Holiday Cheer

2011-12-18T15:54:00.000-08:00

Well, then, I'll just swallow this and be tortured by a legion of hobgoblins, all of my own creation! It's all HUMBUG, I tell you, HUMBUG!

You know, life sucks sometimes. It honest and truly does. Especially at the holidays. It's always the same and I never understood why. One of the most cheerful and sugary-coated seasons in our western calendar does double duty as a bastion for mockery, vile and often mean-spirited behavior in all of us that I lament its coming and celebrate epiphany like the prize-winning turkey at the state fair.

Yes, we've heard this all before. Dicken's epitomized it in his Jacob Marley and Ebenezer Scrooge 160 years ago. However, I'm sulling over a more personal predicament, a sharp sword in my side and it just happens to coincide with Christmas. It's not fair. It's not fair for me to be in this situation. Likewise, it's not fair for me to link it to the holidays. I'm as guilty as them all when it comes to cynicism surrounding Ho Ho Ho and Jingle this-and-that. But, I'm hurt, more than I ever have been. I want to give up. I want to cast this all away like last year's tinsel. My star has come and gone and I'm ready to put the ornaments away.

Drama has often been something I wanted left on stage. As such, I won't go into the reasons for my pessimism, but to say that my trust in other's has taken a bruising and, try as I might over the past year and a half, I'm at the end of the rope. Time to jump. Time to quit ship. Man overboard and all that.

But, this is silly talk. Like Ebenezer, I've been haunted by many ghosts within my memory. My decisions made in the name of "fair and equitable trade" or "community property" or, my favorite, "harmonious love (at cost)" continue to haunt me. To think of myself has been tantamount to guilt, self-loathing or high-mindedness. All good things (for others) has led me into this trap. All the while, I've felt selfish along the way. I've felt that by giving everything I could to others, I would be raised up and seen as the more noble person, the model of how others should treat everyone else. Sin of pride, in my eyes.

Yet, here I am now with the walls of such actions crumbling around and the object of my scorn silently snickering in his corner, the devious plan working its gears and the sheer humbling force of implosion bringing about fits of delight while remaining hidden in his shadow. Destruction of others seems like such a succulent sweet until you bite into it and taste nothing. Not sour, nor savory, bitter nor anything at all. Revenge is like the devil: You think its hot, but it really is rather cold.

Lest I sound like Job, I am not wallowing. The SS Pity Party has always sailed out of my harbour and I'm not on it. Rather, I'm just pissed. Pissed that I've gotten myself into this to begin with. Pissed that I saw it coming before I ever set eyes on him. Pissed that my need for love, for acceptance, for a slice of normal has once again dropped me off at this station. I've been here before. Yes, I've been here before.

So, it's the holidays. I'm lonely amongst a throng of many, many friends. It's the holidays and I don't feel like singing "Frosty, the Snowman" or "Jingle all the way!" Frosty, go f$#k yourself! I'm mad! Mad at life. Mad at him. Mad at myself. Mad at my mom. and dad. and family. and ...

... now where did that come from?

Another Suitcase in Another Hall

2011-04-13T17:20:00.000-07:00

Another Suitcase

Funny, but today I've had that song stuck in my head. No particular reason or subliminal meaning other than to perhaps remind me that I no longer am a professional transient in first class. And, I'm okay with that. Once in awhile, I have found myself reminiscing about the "good 'ol days" stuck in airports and between hotels here or there around the country. What I realized was that I was just a transient and never had opportunity to allow myself to feel at home.

Which leads me back to the song. Another Suitcase in Another Hall. Where am I going to? My excuse to everyone, including myself, was that my job required me to be away. I couldn't attach myself to living a life beyond Row 2B due to the fact that I needed to be on the go. In truth, I'm now settled. I have a home. I have my life. I realize, I always did, but it was so much easier to withdraw and hide myself in plain view. I was just another passenger.

Funny how I see that in myself now. Riding an elevator or sharing a brief moment in a conference room with strangers before a meeting. Sitting in the commissary during lunch. Walking into a theater or standing in line at the check-out. All of these are opportunities to relate and live life in the company of others. Usually, I pull out my iPhone and distract myself. I'll stare off into space. I'll read any scrap of paper just to busy myself away from the moment where I might be asked to partake in a conversation or, God forbid, give up a moment or two of my time. Another hidden treasure in plain sight. Another Suitcase in Another Hall. Everyone recognizes it for what it is, but no one wishes to interfere. We all do it. We all are subject to hiding in plain sight.

I thought my new home and livelihood would bring about opportunities for me to open up and stop hiding. It has. It's me who needs to resist the temptation. I need to embrace the moments where I may be approachable, free from worry or self-deprecating doubt. I moved home and I am here. Indeed, I feel safe, secure and cozy. It's now time to realize that my sense of security has little to do with my home, but with my spirit. That suitcase needs to finally be unpacked. After all, I'm tiring of lugging it around.

Homecoming

2011-04-08T10:22:00.000-07:00

Sometimes, the prodigal son returns... again.. and again.

I had actually forgotten that I had this blog. I established it a couple of years ago for my graduate school class and, after posting a few items, moved it over to my personal website thinking it would be a great collaboration of my work, etc. Indeed, I had generated enough material that I even split off my master's thesis into its own site. As time continued to march like the overblown band that it is, I lost interest, preoccupied myself with other things and the blog fell into the confines of the virtual attic space that gathers the likes of old MySpace pictures, AOL chat rooms and my Netscape Gold browser.

Today, I'd like to dust off the old content, pull a new sheet of contact paper across the shelves and bring out the old Hi-Fi and set up shop back in this attic. I've been looking for a place to feed my hunger to write. Be it good or bad, damn the torpedoes and full steam ahead!

I'm quite tempted to give a summary from last we left off, but I'll forgo that ease. Those of you who know me fully understand what's gone on in my life and I won't be as presumptuous to think you care for greater detail. Telephones are great for those sorts of trivialities. Better yet, a handwritten letter would be supreme. No, here I wish to begin taking up the reins of the keyboard and allow myself to channel out the goings on inside.

I entitled this post "Homecoming" for more than one reason. Yes, I'm making a fanciful post about returning to this blog, but the real reason is that I'm moving this afternoon. It's the first place I truly have lived on my own in forever that I chose, not just to find shelter away from something, but a home to which I fully wish to be. Yes, I've had many a place to live over the years. I've bought and built homes. I've rented flats and shared apartments. Indeed, I've had roommates and lived alone, but always on some terms other than my own determination and desire. I was always running away from something (relationship, job, family, emotional mysteries) or towards something (relationship, job, family, emotional mysteries).

Today, I move to a home of my choosing, without a reason other than its my home. Sure, my current apartment is nice, cheap and close to friends, but it was a place I came from a low-spot in my life. I had juggled the loss of a relationship, financial and legal affairs that dogged it along the way as well as a need to pull myself up from the ground all over again. It was a good halfway house of sorts for me. A good respite. It has served me well, but I'm ready to stand on my own two feet.

It is here that I arrive having made a deliberate choice for myself, my life and my home. I'm happy. Extremely happy that I'm here not because of some relationship or need to quickly move or forced migration due to a job or desire to avoid emotional trauma of the past or present. Yes, I'm here just for me. My foundation is simply that. No apologies. No need to explain further. No caveats, conditions nor extraneous goals. I'll always have friends surrounding me. I'll always be someone's brother, uncle and cousin. I'll always have a need to express myself, be social and reach out to others. And, I'll always have a need to take respite in my home, soothing my mind, caressing my soul with the comfort of my space. Always welcome. Always inviting.

So, strike up the band, get the pom-poms out. Send the cheer squad to the front of the line. I'm home.

Updated Location

2009-08-03T23:28:00.000-07:00

I've moved my blog over to my new location:

http://www.vitaeergo.com/Blog.aspx

Please update any bookmarks.

(Belated) Reflection on the Culimination of Camp

2009-07-21T20:54:00.001-07:00

After an intense week of getting to know my cadre-mates, the joy of watching each circle's creativity and efforts come to fruition was worth more than gold. Amidst the laughter and gaggle of smiles around the room, each of us began to identify with the other in ways that never crossed our minds upon arrival just a few, short days earlier. I felt something. My eyes saw, but my heart learned.

An odd thing to say, don't you think? How can my heart learn? Shouldn't it have been my brain? I suppose my brain picked up an item or two, but my heart was opened to see how others, completely unique in their own ways, were allowed to come into it and share a tiny portion of space. We are a cadre, a cohort, a collection of "learning circles", yet we care about each other. We want each other to succeed. We want to inspire and to share and teach. Our hearts are open. They all are learning what it means to have not only someone, but some group look out for you. We're not alone in this. We learn through each other.

On a different note, I eagerly watched the media reports of one of my hero's passing from our world.

Walter Cronkite, Legendary Journalist, Dies At 92 - ABC News. Now, I'm not that old, but I do remember watching Walter on the CBS Evening News while staying at my grandparent's house in the early to mid 70's. He always seems like my grandfather; stoic with a little bit of personality thrown in for good measure. Walter, to me, seemed to personify what "telling it like it is" actually meant. Not only in reporting the news, but in sharing life and and our world, his style seemed to shape how I feel about how I work and teach. Telling it like it is seems to be a high standard that we often miss.

So, in remembrance, I want to challenge myself to "tell it like it is" my future entries instead of telling it as I want people to see it. Good night Walter.

And that's the way it was...

May I Work at LegoLand, Please?

2009-07-17T22:32:00.001-07:00

How do you describe yourself when you're exhausted? Do you have the mental capacity to be honest with yourself? As exhausted as I am this evening due to a lengthy day of robotic engineering combined with class and "sharing" time, I feel good. I'm in a good mood and enjoying the camaraderie amongst my cadre-mates.

To echo an earlier entry's theme, I'm still amazed at how close all of us have come in such a short amount of time. It's Friday evening and we "graduate" from our MALT Camp tomorrow, but it feels as if we've only just begun. I guess that really is true. There is so much more to come ahead.

What comes ahead for me and my classmates really goes beyond this program and extends into our lives. I feel as if I'm a newborn who has been given a gift of vision. I can see, hazily, that our future will be much more than I thought. My introspective side really goes hand-in-hand with my public persona.

Tomorrow we head to our respective homes, but we're leaving a bit of ourselves with each other. Sentimental feelings aside, the only way I will ever succeed in this program is with and through the help of my cadre-mates. Its scary as hell to imagine having so much at stake of which I'm not in control. It's a first for me.

It's right for me.

Two Days

2009-07-17T07:32:00.001-07:00

What a difference two days can make. I've heard consistent comments that all of my cadre-mates feel as if we've known each other for months, if not years. It's only been two days since we first said "hello".

I have a theory: Fear is such a motivating force in our human existence that we use it to shield us from each other. In a "typical" world, I would not have known (nor perhaps cared) about these two-dozen or so people. Here, I have learned more about them in such a short time it amazes me. Where is my fear?

What is more amazing is that I've learned (or been coerced) to trust these people. We've all learned to do this, it seems. In our world where fear is the norm, we've become a tiny exception in a short amount of time. All things considered, I believe this is just shy of a miracle.

So, as I sit here in the morning sun contemplating where I've been and where I'm going, this tick in my collective life's EKG has promoted a competing concept to fear that seems to keep moving upward: hope.

Now, I must excuse myself as I've Lego robots to engineer.

Community Shumnity?

2009-07-15T19:16:00.001-07:00

To say that today has been long is an understatement. It has been L.O.N.G. Good, but long.

The faculty promised that today would provide many challenges for me and they have succeeded. My Learning Circle has been tasked to build a monstrous Lego creation that literally will scale walls and "know" where its been. After our initial three levels of thought (and prototypes), our dreams were dashed when we were forced back to the drawing board (literally) to re-think our design. It seems we were too "out of the box".

Building upon this, we were given various fruits and vegetables to create an artistic creation describing "Community". Our Learning Circle decided to create small creations of ourselves ala Veggie Tales and won the competition. Such an honor and treasure we shared while gazing upon our tomato with grape eyes, celery stalk hair and turnip lips. The three of us were a community inside the larger Cadre community. We brought the larger and smaller together through a tomato. H.J. Heinz would be proud.

I've spent years learning what community is for me. Part of my undergraduate years were spent being taught by monks at a monastery where the community is a core foundation. I've walked the halls of various corporate entities where community spirit has always been championed in mission statements. I've even sat through countless meetings with my church on how we can bring our faith community together. I've never once looked at community through the eyes of a tomato or the blocks of a Lego, however.

In all, it's been a long day. It proves to be longer as we continue on our formation this evening. However, as a cadre-mate mentioned but just a moment ago, it feels as if we've been here for a week and know so much of each other. Indeed, we're already sensing what each other needs and attempting to build bridges much stronger than Legos. In such a brief time we've come together to build a small community. We've already begun to change the community's spirit and lay down a path which we'll continue to follow as the year unfolds. All of this through the eyes of a tomato, Lego and some fun.

A Singularity

2009-07-14T19:08:00.000-07:00

After fifteen years, I'm finally back in the classroom as a student. Pepperdine's new MALT (Master of Arts in Learning Technology) program now has me to deal with under its hallowed walls in Malibu. I'm bold. I'm ready. I'm scared out of my gord!

Dog and Pony show aside, looking ahead at what the next year of my life will entail seems quite out of the ordinary from what I've become victim to in my life. I know I can "do" the work and I am positive that I have much to offer. Like my cadre mates (cute term, 'eh?), I am eager to participate and show my stuff. I hear the words, see the slide and play the games that make up any opening day ceremony of class. Inside, I'm second guessing myself. What if I don't know enough? What if I'm not smart enough? What if I can't learn or see what they see or what if what if what if?

Mind you, dear reader, I'm not clinical and am being just a tad dramatic in my prose, but I do confess that I have a tendency to want to impress and show "my best foot forward" for all to see. Today, I see that I don't really need to worry in this childish way. I'm not a religious man, but I do recall a passage that says "Wisdom built herself a house". I don't need to know exactly what the frame will be just yet, but I've learned what the foundation is going to look like.

My awakening is that I cannot and will not do this alone. I will, regardless of space or distance, be building my home with the accompaniment of others. Likewise, I'll be participating in my cadre mates' building parties as well. Yes, a hokey analogy, but I really sense that is the way this new year will work for me. It's a change for me. I've often been required to do all things myself. However, this experience is something that seems refreshing. Blindly, kicking and screaming, scared enough to wet myself, rubber room scary, but refreshing.

I'll go boldly forth, holding my head high in the comfort and knowledge that others are still trembling inside, just like me. My "aha" moment: I'm not alone.